Camp camp camp!

I am a Younglife leader for a nearby high school. If you do not know what Younglife is, it is a Christian outreach organization geared toward kids who would never go to church or youth group. It's like a youth group, but way more fun and relevant and sometimes a bit risque. I believe wholeheartedly in this ministry, as it is how I learned who Christ really is. Not just a God of rules and stipulations. He is a God who truly loves and cares for each of us. Younglife forever changed my relationship with God, and now I lead kids who were once me. I absolutely LOVE leading YL.

So I am taking my YL kids to camp tomorrow, and we will be gone for a week. I'm hoping to blog during that time, but who knows if I'll get the opportunity. Going to camp is bittersweet this year for a number of reasons. I am super excited to get closer to the kids who are going, but I cannot help but be sad about the ones who could not. Some kids were grounded for the summer, others had summer school, and others simply made up excuses because they have no idea how good being away for a week can be. Not to mention the camp site is AMAZING. I met Kevin there in September 2007 at a leadership weekend. We stayed up in the middle of this gorgeous camp site until about 4 AM talking about life and getting to know each other (we had only met the day before). It was simply... amazing. I have been to this particular camp over a dozen times, and I never grow tired of it. We are leaving early in the morning and it will be my very first time being apart from Kevin for more than a day or two. In almost 3 years of knowing each other, this will be the longest we have spent apart. It is going to be so hard. He is taking me to the bus in the morning, but I already miss him like mad.

Here's to hoping for an incredible week at camp. If anybody is reading, pray for us as we all grow closer to Christ this week. God is good!

Hospitals are fun!

So I'm spending the night in the hospital with Heather tonight, and I cannot help but ask myself, "What have I gotten myself into?" I am on a leather reclining chair, and with each move I make, the chair creaks and groans very loudly. Heather has had a BS level of about 200 during her stay, and she just began feeling super exhausted and shaky. They just checked her blood sugar and it's 77. I'm trying to write this and keep her sane at the same time. We just called the nurse for the third time in about ten minutes. The nurse is not very comforting or consoling at all. It's frustrating because my sister is sitting here shaking violently and is practically in tears and the nurse pops in, gives her some juice and milk and leaves. I hope this time the nurse has some comforting words for Heather. Heather is a hypochondriac and is always severely worried when something doesn't feel right. She has never been the type who mixes medicines or takes an extra tylenol or anything that could potentially be harmful to her body. She is just a little worry wart, and I just don't know how to make her feel any better. I am at a loss.

Lights are now off, blood sugar is back up, she is trying to go to sleep. They will be back in less than an hour and a half to check on her. This is going to be a super fun night. Hooray!

Guess I'll try to get some sleep. It has been an emotionally draining day. Talked to Kevin again about getting engaged today. He says he has a plan (it's been six months since he has had a plan) but is willing to make it sooner for me. He just doesn't get it. He is too late. I just hope the proposal makes up for it. I don't care where or how he does it... I just want it to be passionate and real. Guess we'll see.

Diabetes? Really?

Today has been surreal. My sister went to a doctor's appointment early this morning because she has been waking up several times during the night to pee and she has been fatigued and thirsty a lot lately. The doctor checked her blood sugar, and immediately sent my sister to the emergency room. Heather has a blood sugar level of 330, which, if you do not know, and I didn't, is significantly higher than normal (normal ranges from 70 - 110). Upon several tests, we found out that Heather has type 1 diabetes. Heather is 19 years old, 5'3" and about 115 lbs. We have no family history of it at all. This has been a complete shock to my family, as nobody had any idea that this was even possible. I visited Heather tonight (my mom is staying the night with her tonight... hopefully she will be released tomorrow) and she seemed in pretty good spirits. She told me that as long as nobody else freaks out, she will be okay. I brought her a zoo animal coloring book, and we both sat in her bed and colored. It was a pretty great moment. If she stays tomorrow night, I will stay with her so my mom can get proper rest at home.

I really crave a relationship with my sister and my parents. I don't think I am very close with any of them. Nobody really knows me, nor does it seem like anybody cares to know me. My mom is super insecure and paranoid and expects that she can only ever be happy if her life becomes less stressful. She allows circumstances to control whether she is happy or not. I told her that she can either BE happy, or continue to wait to be happy. Then she started telling me how she is unhappy because the house is a mess... It really is a never ending cycle. Her mother (my grandma, even though it was my second time meeting her) came and stayed with us last month and the house was SPOTLESS. It did not make her a happy person. She found something else to upset her. For my mom, I wish she would just stop. Stop being stressed, stop complaining, stop being negative, stop being high maintenance, stop being sad, just STOP. I wish she knew how much I desired a relationship with her. I want her to inquire about my life and care about what is going on. As for my dad, he is constantly trying to shield Heather and me from reality. It is painfully obvious that he and my mom are not doing so hot, but he tries and pretends that everything is just fine. They will be fighting, and I'll pass through, and they will stop for a second and my dad will ask me a completely irrelevant question or make a joke, and they will resume as soon as I leave. It is frustrating that he can't be real with us. How can he ever expect us to be close if he is not honest with me? And he also cares much more about the logistics of life than getting to know me. I.e. I lost my job (out of my control, and I was devastated because I loved my job) and the first thing he wants to know is if I can pay for my car payment (I give my dad money each month for my car). Nobody asks if I'm okay, or about how I am doing. As for my sister, she is great, and I love her dearly, but she is selfish. It's always about what she wants (she gets it from my mom I think). We were watching movies the other night and I wanted to watch a scary movie and she wanted to watch Happy Gilmore. We ended up watching Happy Gilmore because I didn't want to fight her. I just wish she had a willingness to find better alternatives so we are both happy, rather than her just get her way. She also has a boyfriend that I am not so fond of, since he practically tore her heart out and stomped on it. I have a hard time being close to her because I do not care for him. I just wish my relationship with my family was better. Although I know I am loved, they don't really show it to me well. I am not the greatest daughter/sister in the world either - I definitely have my hang ups. Why is everything so complicated? Maybe once I move out things will get better...

Why have I suddenly had the intense urge to frequently shout "YAARRRRGG!!"? It came out of nowhere and now it won't go away. YARRGG!

Porn is...

demeaning, poisonous, addictive, painful, disgusting, lonely, degrading, disrespectful, harmful, sad, sick, perverted, and deadly. Why is sex so deeply rooted in our lives? I want a day, just one day, when all porn is set aside, when every girl dresses modestly, when nobody commits adultery, and when all men see women as beautiful, not sex objects. Just one day. I'll do it if you do.

A quiet kind of beauty

I cannot remember ever having a time in my life where I was not insecure. Sure, there are days, maybe even weeks at a time when everything seems to be working out for me. But the reality is that I am not always confident in who I am. I remember being a child and wishing I was different. I remember being a preteen and wishing I was different. I remember being a teenager and wishing I was different. Now I am 21, and I still often daydream about what it would be like if I was more reserved. To me, beauty is modest, reserved, humble, and quiet. I am none of the above, which makes me feel, in turn, ugly. Many people tell me that you can be outgoing and beautiful. I only know of two women whose outgoingness makes them beautiful (Kevin's mother and my grandma). For every other girl, it is obnoxious. I wonder if I'm the only one who believes this? Do quiet girls ever think loud girls are more beautiful? Like many insecurities, my outgoing and loud nature is on my mind every day.

I once heard somebody somewhere say that there is 97% of your personality that is completely unchangeable. Kevin said that God is far bigger than this statistic. With God's help, we can change far more than 97% of us. I wonder if that is true? Of course God can do anything, but will He do it for me? Would He make me quieter, more reserved, less obnoxious? Is it possible I can be exactly who I want to be, or am I outgoing for a reason? Did God put me on this earth to be loud, to be a leader, to be seen? Or is this simply my worldly attempt to get attention? I don't know where the line is between being loud and wanting attention. I am constantly in a state of confusion. Some nights I will be in large groups and not talk, and people think there is something wrong with me. Then I will be in a group the next night, and I'll be "too loud". After 21 years of this, I still have not found a happy median. Am I destined to be in this super annoying stage of ambiguity forever? I still cannot clearly see who I am.

I am going to read Proverbs tonight, specifically through verses about the Proverbs 31 woman. God, help me not only feel beautiful, but BE beautiful in your eyes.

I'm just his girlfriend, no big deal

I am not married. This is my weakness, my constant battle. I have a boyfriend and we have been dating over two and a half years. In my opinion, we love each other better than most married couples we know. I would tell you why we are so great together and how we love each other so well, but the list would be disgustingly long. My heart yearns to be his. He is not afraid of commitment, although he is not afraid of moving slowly, either. I am bitter. I don't want to be bitter, but here I am. I often worry that, even if he proposed to me tomorrow, I would still be upset that he did not do it sooner. As a girl, I have seen his unwillingness to move forward as a sign that I am not good enough. If I had been more patient, more understanding, prettier, thinner, less obnoxious, more forgiving, or less demanding, then maybe (maybe!) we would be married by now. I want to say that I have stopped believing that it's completely my fault, but that would be a lie, and lying would defeat the purpose of this blog.

Now, here is where things get complicated. I am a 21 year old full time student. Kevin is 28. He works at a prison (which he hates), and I am desperately pursuing a degree in Elementary Education (I'll be done this time next year!). I work as much as I can, but I will begin student teaching this fall so the financial factor will be less than ideal. Kevin just bought his first house, and I am not convinced the two of us could pay the mortgage alone (along with the millions of other bills). And I really, really don't want to live with roommates once married. Kevin and I both love Jesus (I'm trying to love Him better) and would feel convicted about living together before we get married. I still live at home, which is, again, less than ideal. I will agree that we have bumps that we need to smooth out prior to getting married, but after almost three years of watching Kevin do very little to prepare himself, I cannot help but feel a little bit devastated that we have been in the same place for years.

We have seen couples meet, date, and get married in the time we have dated. Good friends of ours met after we started dating, and they have now been married a year and a half. Another good friend has already dated and proposed to two girls in the time Kevin and I have been dating, and the second one said yes, so now they are planning their wedding. I get it, kind of. The girls in both of these couples are financially stable and a few years older and more mature than I am. I would love to play the "It's not fair!" card, but really, I suppose it is. They have worked harder and have been patient for more years than I have. They are wonderful women who deserve the very best. I want to cross my arms and "hmmph" all day, but I can't. This is not their fight.

Simply put, Kevin is the smartest, funniest, most forgiving, and most loving man I have ever had the pleasure to know. The more men I meet, the more I am convinced that I got the best one. But, what do you do when you don't feel like you never fully reached his standard (and you never can)? That, now, if he proposes, it is only because you pestered him about it every day and since it has been two and a half years, it's time to make that plunge. It is not reckless, it is not passionate. It is merely the next step. Whether that is true or not, how can I keep from believing that? I want to believe that he has had it under control the whole time, but how can I? I know he loves me more than he can put in words. In every action, in every way, I know I am deeply loved. It is a secure, unconditional kind of love, which is why I believe him to be such a wonderful boyfriend.

I am trying to enjoy having him as a boyfriend. He will only be my boyfriend for a fragment of my life - a fragment that I will never get back. We go out to fancy dinners and go on lots of vacations, and I know that much of that will be lost once I graduate and we're both working full time. Life will pass me by, and I don't want to be dwelling on this. Trust me when I say that I want nothing more than to fully trust Kevin (and God!) in this. Deep down, I know he will eventually propose. Unfortunately, my heart is restless. I wanted to start this blog in hopes of helping me let go of my constant need and desire to have everything under my control. I deeply desire to be free, but freedom can only be obtained by following and loving Jesus better. God does not want me living this way. When I obsess over marriage, I lose sight of God.

Tonight, I am praying for direction, patience, and the ability to simply let go.