A quiet kind of beauty

I cannot remember ever having a time in my life where I was not insecure. Sure, there are days, maybe even weeks at a time when everything seems to be working out for me. But the reality is that I am not always confident in who I am. I remember being a child and wishing I was different. I remember being a preteen and wishing I was different. I remember being a teenager and wishing I was different. Now I am 21, and I still often daydream about what it would be like if I was more reserved. To me, beauty is modest, reserved, humble, and quiet. I am none of the above, which makes me feel, in turn, ugly. Many people tell me that you can be outgoing and beautiful. I only know of two women whose outgoingness makes them beautiful (Kevin's mother and my grandma). For every other girl, it is obnoxious. I wonder if I'm the only one who believes this? Do quiet girls ever think loud girls are more beautiful? Like many insecurities, my outgoing and loud nature is on my mind every day.

I once heard somebody somewhere say that there is 97% of your personality that is completely unchangeable. Kevin said that God is far bigger than this statistic. With God's help, we can change far more than 97% of us. I wonder if that is true? Of course God can do anything, but will He do it for me? Would He make me quieter, more reserved, less obnoxious? Is it possible I can be exactly who I want to be, or am I outgoing for a reason? Did God put me on this earth to be loud, to be a leader, to be seen? Or is this simply my worldly attempt to get attention? I don't know where the line is between being loud and wanting attention. I am constantly in a state of confusion. Some nights I will be in large groups and not talk, and people think there is something wrong with me. Then I will be in a group the next night, and I'll be "too loud". After 21 years of this, I still have not found a happy median. Am I destined to be in this super annoying stage of ambiguity forever? I still cannot clearly see who I am.

I am going to read Proverbs tonight, specifically through verses about the Proverbs 31 woman. God, help me not only feel beautiful, but BE beautiful in your eyes.