A quiet kind of beauty

I cannot remember ever having a time in my life where I was not insecure. Sure, there are days, maybe even weeks at a time when everything seems to be working out for me. But the reality is that I am not always confident in who I am. I remember being a child and wishing I was different. I remember being a preteen and wishing I was different. I remember being a teenager and wishing I was different. Now I am 21, and I still often daydream about what it would be like if I was more reserved. To me, beauty is modest, reserved, humble, and quiet. I am none of the above, which makes me feel, in turn, ugly. Many people tell me that you can be outgoing and beautiful. I only know of two women whose outgoingness makes them beautiful (Kevin's mother and my grandma). For every other girl, it is obnoxious. I wonder if I'm the only one who believes this? Do quiet girls ever think loud girls are more beautiful? Like many insecurities, my outgoing and loud nature is on my mind every day.

I once heard somebody somewhere say that there is 97% of your personality that is completely unchangeable. Kevin said that God is far bigger than this statistic. With God's help, we can change far more than 97% of us. I wonder if that is true? Of course God can do anything, but will He do it for me? Would He make me quieter, more reserved, less obnoxious? Is it possible I can be exactly who I want to be, or am I outgoing for a reason? Did God put me on this earth to be loud, to be a leader, to be seen? Or is this simply my worldly attempt to get attention? I don't know where the line is between being loud and wanting attention. I am constantly in a state of confusion. Some nights I will be in large groups and not talk, and people think there is something wrong with me. Then I will be in a group the next night, and I'll be "too loud". After 21 years of this, I still have not found a happy median. Am I destined to be in this super annoying stage of ambiguity forever? I still cannot clearly see who I am.

I am going to read Proverbs tonight, specifically through verses about the Proverbs 31 woman. God, help me not only feel beautiful, but BE beautiful in your eyes.

I'm just his girlfriend, no big deal

I am not married. This is my weakness, my constant battle. I have a boyfriend and we have been dating over two and a half years. In my opinion, we love each other better than most married couples we know. I would tell you why we are so great together and how we love each other so well, but the list would be disgustingly long. My heart yearns to be his. He is not afraid of commitment, although he is not afraid of moving slowly, either. I am bitter. I don't want to be bitter, but here I am. I often worry that, even if he proposed to me tomorrow, I would still be upset that he did not do it sooner. As a girl, I have seen his unwillingness to move forward as a sign that I am not good enough. If I had been more patient, more understanding, prettier, thinner, less obnoxious, more forgiving, or less demanding, then maybe (maybe!) we would be married by now. I want to say that I have stopped believing that it's completely my fault, but that would be a lie, and lying would defeat the purpose of this blog.

Now, here is where things get complicated. I am a 21 year old full time student. Kevin is 28. He works at a prison (which he hates), and I am desperately pursuing a degree in Elementary Education (I'll be done this time next year!). I work as much as I can, but I will begin student teaching this fall so the financial factor will be less than ideal. Kevin just bought his first house, and I am not convinced the two of us could pay the mortgage alone (along with the millions of other bills). And I really, really don't want to live with roommates once married. Kevin and I both love Jesus (I'm trying to love Him better) and would feel convicted about living together before we get married. I still live at home, which is, again, less than ideal. I will agree that we have bumps that we need to smooth out prior to getting married, but after almost three years of watching Kevin do very little to prepare himself, I cannot help but feel a little bit devastated that we have been in the same place for years.

We have seen couples meet, date, and get married in the time we have dated. Good friends of ours met after we started dating, and they have now been married a year and a half. Another good friend has already dated and proposed to two girls in the time Kevin and I have been dating, and the second one said yes, so now they are planning their wedding. I get it, kind of. The girls in both of these couples are financially stable and a few years older and more mature than I am. I would love to play the "It's not fair!" card, but really, I suppose it is. They have worked harder and have been patient for more years than I have. They are wonderful women who deserve the very best. I want to cross my arms and "hmmph" all day, but I can't. This is not their fight.

Simply put, Kevin is the smartest, funniest, most forgiving, and most loving man I have ever had the pleasure to know. The more men I meet, the more I am convinced that I got the best one. But, what do you do when you don't feel like you never fully reached his standard (and you never can)? That, now, if he proposes, it is only because you pestered him about it every day and since it has been two and a half years, it's time to make that plunge. It is not reckless, it is not passionate. It is merely the next step. Whether that is true or not, how can I keep from believing that? I want to believe that he has had it under control the whole time, but how can I? I know he loves me more than he can put in words. In every action, in every way, I know I am deeply loved. It is a secure, unconditional kind of love, which is why I believe him to be such a wonderful boyfriend.

I am trying to enjoy having him as a boyfriend. He will only be my boyfriend for a fragment of my life - a fragment that I will never get back. We go out to fancy dinners and go on lots of vacations, and I know that much of that will be lost once I graduate and we're both working full time. Life will pass me by, and I don't want to be dwelling on this. Trust me when I say that I want nothing more than to fully trust Kevin (and God!) in this. Deep down, I know he will eventually propose. Unfortunately, my heart is restless. I wanted to start this blog in hopes of helping me let go of my constant need and desire to have everything under my control. I deeply desire to be free, but freedom can only be obtained by following and loving Jesus better. God does not want me living this way. When I obsess over marriage, I lose sight of God.

Tonight, I am praying for direction, patience, and the ability to simply let go.